Reconciling and Redefining Masculinity
Authentic & Passionate guidance for creating a Masculinity congruent to your truths
Very few of us are provided with mentorship around developing masculinity rooted in wholeness
And some of us weren't allowed to engage with or explore masculinity at all
This is a space for folks who are allowing themselves to explore and integrate their own experiences and expressions of masculinity, while also trying to do so in ways that reject versions of masculinity that have harmed them and those they love. When this has not been mirrored to us, it can be difficult to find our way to it.
How did we get here?
I often think about culture in LGBTQIA+ communities, particularly within the lesbian, trans masc, and trans man communities; and how, when we explore some of the roots of those cultures, we can see toxic masculinity and the oppression of women and femmes in the deepest parts.
“Gold Star” within the lesbian community
“Gay-bro” subculture
Cis-men drag performs referring to another performer as “fishy,”
Bi-/Pan- and non-binary erasure
Desires to eliminate anything seeming slightly “effeminate” so as to better “pass” as cisgender
(even when it isn’t a matter of safety) or not “look gay”Other types of Femme-phobia that are rampant across all communities
These can all be found to have roots in the same patriarchal and cis-heteronormative societal expectations that have resulted in violations of and violence toward many in our communities.
What are you experiencing as a result?
Oftentimes, these oppressive systems and cultures create a need or desire for many of us to cut away parts of ourselves that are considered feminine, like softness and tenderness or asking for help and showing vulnerability, to ensure that we are “man enough,” “butch enough,” “trans enough,” or even “woman enough,” and more.
And when we do that, we conflate “enoughness” with very narrow oppressor-created definitions that most any of us couldn’t meet at all.
those definitions aren’t actually what it means to be enough
In this process, we may find that we have pushed away and disempowered those in the community who embrace and embody aspects of femininity. Our actions can unknowingly support misogyny and transmisogyny, reinforcing internalized shame and oppression in our communities, particularly among those who are the most marginalized. Some of us shift into “dominance over” without consent and find ourselves guarding against threats to our masculinity at the expense of and safety of others.
All while our own internalized shame and oppression grow
Maybe you live with the embodied experience of that internalized shame and oppression within yourself, and feel grief or rage at the ways you might unconsciously contribute to that for others. Perhaps you fear the ways you may perpetuate the same dynamics that led to the violence you were impacted by and sometimes still are impacted by.
What Can we do with it all?
Some of us feel the incongruence in all this…
We notice that incongruence as we are grappling with reconciling our masculinity (or our desires to move toward masculinity) with our experiences of socialization, victimization, and awareness we have as a result of many of the “shoulds” of our pasts.
How do we learn to allow our own becoming…
While also ensuring our becoming reflects an honoring of who we were or what we have been through, as well as an honoring of the existence and importance of women and femmes?
How do we do so in a way that acknowledges that our stories from before our becoming may now be invisible to the outside world?
How can we be with the ways our becoming might create the dynamic of victim/oppressed and perpetrator/oppressor within our own bodies?
How do we incorporate our knowing to refuse the worst and most violent parts of masculinity…
To support our communities in challenging the existence of those ways of being masculine or man beyond our own bodies?
These questions, often innate to the process of reconciling and redefining masculinity for ourselves, have so much room here. Please reach out if you've been searching for a place to do this hard work and engage with gender, expression, and sexuality in a more meaningful way.
Supporting you in…
Healing & Recovering from Toxic Masculinity
Reconciling impacts of past harm by masculinity with personal masculine identity
Redefining Masculinity
Constructing a masculinity of integrity
Incorporating open-hearted & tender presence in community & relationships
Deepening into Authentic & Congruent Masculine Expression